


darkest hours

by theskyfelldown



Series: This is MELODRAMA [2]
Category: BBC Radio 1 RPF, One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Basically this is based off lorde's writer in the dark, Break Up, Internal Conflict, M/M, Oh That's Right I Wasn't, Unresolved Emotional Tension, What Was I Thinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-04
Updated: 2017-09-04
Packaged: 2018-12-23 20:07:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11997042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theskyfelldown/pseuds/theskyfelldown
Summary: For Louis, Nick was everything. For Nick, it didn’t matter.





	darkest hours

**Author's Note:**

  * For [grimouis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/grimouis/gifts).



> **for the most important person ever -- kristine aka krusty**
> 
>  
> 
> **based off lorde's writer in the dark**
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/aiioutshirt/) [tumblr](thebloodychambrs.tumblr.com/)

For Louis, it starts with a bottle of wine.

He’s not sure where Nick is. His five texts have gone unanswered and Louis can’t muster himself the fucking energy to send another one. So the only rational thing to do is to use his key into Nick’s apartment, open one of his expensive wine bottles that Louis knows Nick has been saving all year for a special occasion and doesn’t even bother removing his dress shoes before he places them on the coffee table.

There’s something building up in his chest. He’s not sure what it is – but it’s heavy and it’s pulling Louis down and every fibre in Louis’ body is telling him to end things before he hurts himself but he realizes it’s already too late. He’s already fucking hurt and every bone of his hurts when he moves.

Louis’ already buzzed – he feels warm all over and stares blankly at the TV that Louis’ yet to turn on. Every muscle of his tightens when he hears someone try the door knob before they swing the door open. He hears Nick remove his shoes, humming to himself and Louis holds his breath.

Nick enters the living room and pauses when he sees Louis. He’s got his blazer on his arm, the buttons on his shirt unbuttoned by three and he looks so beautiful Louis’ heart contracts. He blinks at Louis and then asks, “What are you doing here?”

Louis turns his gaze to the TV and takes another sip of his wine, straight out of the bottle. “You were ignoring my texts.”

“Louis,” Nick sighs and takes his phone out of his pocket. He waves it at Louis, “My battery’s out.”

Louis feels a bit foolish now, “Oh. Okay. So, um, how was the party?”

“Was nice,” Nick says, dropping his blazer on the back one of the couches and takes a seat next to Louis. Louis takes another sip of his wine and stares straight at the TV, ignores how Nick’s thigh keeps pressing to his and just how warm and tangible Nick seems sitting right next to him. He wants to say something so bad. “Met some people – Harry was there. He gives his love.”

Harry, who he hasn’t spoken to over two months, gives him his love. Louis tries to ignore how quickly his throat dries and he takes another quick sip.

“That’s nice.”

“He says you’ve been ignoring him.”

Louis stares at the rim of the bottle, slick with spit, “I might have.”

“He’s upset.”

“Well,” Louis shrugs, “I’ll talk to him.”

“Louis –” Nick starts, frustration crawling into his tone before he shakes his head to himself and sinks back into the couch, “You know what? It’s nothing.”

“No, tell me.” Louis wants something, _anything_ out of Nick. He’s too fucking tired of having Nick so composed, tip toeing around, pretending like it just doesn’t matter. He wants Nick to be biting again, Nick to love him, Nick to be the Nick he once fell in love with.

“It’s nothing.”

“Nick, please.”

“I’m just – I hate seeing you do this to yourself.”

Louis’ eyebrows furrow. He isn’t doing anything to himself. He’d just gotten too tired to reply to Harry’s texts, is all. Human interaction became something that required too much of Louis’ energy and Louis learned that every drop of his was worth too much to waste on people who just didn’t care.

“I’m not doing anything, Nick.”

Nick scoffs, rolling his eyes. It hurts Louis, only for a fraction and Louis can feel the familiar annoyance crawling at the back of his throat. “You are and there’s no use denying it, Lou. You’re distancing yourself from everyone you know again. And it’s Harry, we’re talking about. What’s Harry done this time for you to pretend like he wasn’t your best friend?”

“He didn’t do anything, Nick!” Louis snaps. “And if there’s one person to blame here, it’s you!”

Nick’s eyes flash with something undecipherable before it disappears the moment Louis blinks. “What the fuck did I do?” Nick asks.

“It’s you – you’ve been fucking up my head, Nick – you’re the one who’s making me feel like absolute shit the past few weeks – it’s you –” Louis says, unable to finish a sentence. Nick looks absolutely furious and stands up in front of Louis. He looks every bit of mad and beautiful just as Louis had envisioned. He wants Nick to get angry with him again, to spit out biting words just so it wouldn’t hurt so much anymore. He wants Nick to give a reason for Louis to hate him again. Louis wants to leave with his heart still in his chest and Nick just makes it all so fucking difficult.

“Oh, so it’s me who’s ruined things, right?” Nick laughs and it’s horrible, it’s absolutely horrible the way it rips Louis’ heart open. “I’ve done literally everything to be with you – I don’t give a fuck about how famous you are – I’m right here with you despite the fact people tell me to kill myself every fucking day, Louis. Out of the two of us, it’s always me – me who’s fighting for us – I’m the one trying to work this out and I’m right here with you – what more do you fucking want?”

“I want you to love me, Nick.” Louis bites his lip, tries to stop himself from shaking. He’s pathetic, that’s what he is. Nick’s right in front of him and he’s saying all this shit that would have someone else breaking bit by bit, piece into smaller pieces and all Louis can think is that _please don’t fucking leave me_.

“But I do love you.” Nick says, exhausted. “Or at least I did – I can’t do this anymore – it’s so fucking tiring, Louis, can’t you see what this is doing for me? We don’t even have time for each other – the last time we properly saw each other was two weeks ago and I just can’t be in relationship like this right now, I’m sorry.”

“Nick – please. We can find a way to work this out – we just have to.” It’s downright pitiful how Louis sounds but he doesn’t even fucking care. The thought of losing Nick terrifies him.

“I’m sorry, Lou, I really am. This isn’t working. I don’t think I can do this anymore. It’s for the best.”

Louis’ fingers clench over the wine bottle. It’s already half empty and Louis reckons his heart feels just the same.

“I can’t do this anymore, Louis.” Nick says. “I can’t fucking do it anymore.”

Nick sits down next to Louis and Louis forgets the bottle of wine and takes Nick’s hands in his, “You can’t do this, Nick – you can’t just break up with me –” His voice breaks and he shakes his head to himself. His eyes are fucking burning and he can’t cry – not in front of Nick, not there. “Please don’t do this. I love you so fucking much.”

“I’m sorry.” He isn’t sorry – the way he says it tells Louis everything. Louis was fucking blind – he should have seen it coming. Louis feels empty but maybe, just maybe, he’d always felt like this all along.

 

X

Two weeks later, Louis’ hunched over the studio’s piano.

“I can’t do it. I can’t fucking do it. ” Louis says. He’s not sure who he’s talking to. The studio’s empty and he’s the only one inside and the clock’s ticking past two and he’s still got nothing written down. He’d gotten special permission to stay later in. “For fucks sake.” Louis presses down on a key and winces at the noise. “Not good. Try harder.” He murmurs to himself. “For fucks sake.”

There’s a stack of papers on the soundboard full of struck out lyrics and just the mere sight of it has frustration bubbling inside Louis. He’s got two more days to turn a song in and he’s got absolutely fucking nothing. The only thing he’s good at and he isn’t even good at it.

It’s been two weeks since Nick left him.

He still has no idea what he’s doing, Nick being the anchor holding him down and it’s not until Nick left him did Louis realize how much his life centred on him. The thing is Louis has too much time on his hands now. He’s got absolutely no idea what to do with it, choosing to spend it watching TV or sleeping in. It feels like he’s got no purpose now that Nick’s left him – that he’s finally beating down to what he was without Nick; absolutely nothing.

Louis stares at the keys and feels something akin to rage bubbling inside of him. Louis wants to write a song about Nick. Most importantly, Louis wants to write a song about what Nick did to him. He wants to talk about the promises Nick made to him when he was holding him down, making sweet love to him. He wants to ask Nick about how the fuck he could even lie to Louis, tell him that he’d never leave him, and tell him he was too much of a fucking burden, like Nick was Atlas with the world on his shoulders or something. He’s furious. He’s fucking fuming and staring down at the ivory keys, Louis is filled with a kind of repulsion never directed at Nick ever before and it hurts him.

But then he thinks about the moments Louis fell in love with Nick and the revulsion disappears, just as soon as it comes. Louis meeting Nick for the first time in Harry’s balcony when they shared a cigarette and Louis commented on how dull Nick’s scarf looked like, Louis meeting Nick again, forced to be friends by Harry, the duo disinterested and displeased as each other were, Nick complimenting Louis’ eyes and Louis blushing, Nick ‘accidentally’ brushing Louis’ hand, Nick kissing Louis square on the mouth and Louis pulling him closer, Nick and Louis cuddling on the sofa on Sunday mornings, Nick and Louis saying ‘I love you’ to each other for the first time, Nick and Louis celebrating Christmas back at Louis’ home in Doncaster, Louis showing him the first song he wrote about him – all these memories flash in Louis’ mind like some sort of supercut, one moment of the other and Louis’ chest feels like it’s caved in, like every memory is building on top of each other making his heart feel heavier, feel like he’s sinking.

 

X

“I don’t know what to do without him, Mum,” Louis whispers, a hand running through Doris’ hair. She’s falling fast asleep on Louis’ lap, a small smile on her young face and Louis’ heart aches just at the mere sight of her. She’s growing up too fast – they’re _all_ growing up too fast and Jay who sits right in front of Louis, the crowfeet by her eyes emphasized, her eyes still the same, looks too exhausted and all Louis wants to do is reach out for her.

“Sweetheart, you had a life before him and now you’ll have one without him,” She says gently. Jay more than anyone knows how to deal with heartbreak. Louis’ seen her crying into hands in the middle of the night when she thinks all her children have fallen asleep and Jay more than anyone knows that you can stand up once someone’s shoved you down. Louis loves her more than anyone else in the world.

 “I’m just so angry at him,” He shakes his head to himself, “I hate him and I love him, all at the same time and it’s bloody confusing me.”

“It takes time to sort those feelings out. Of course, you’re angry with him, he’s hurt you despite how much you loved him.” Jay explains and Louis thinks – this, this is why he came to her. “And I don’t judge you at all for it, you’re right but it isn’t right to hate him. It’s wrong that he blew it all on you like that and I agree but maybe, it just got too much?” Jay says carefully. “Hear me out, Lou –” She says hurriedly when Louis opens his mouth to protest, “I believe things happen for a reason and this is just an example. Maybe, you breaking up was something good. You’re not gonna understand it now – maybe two months down the lane or two years later, you’re gonna be surprised at how things work out and it’s going to feel  wonderful.”

“I don’t think I can do it.” Louis says and his voice breaks. “I’ve never loved someone more than I’ve loved him, Mum.”

“You’ll get through it, baby,” And she leans forward to take his hand in hers, thumbing across his knuckles and Louis’ heart just threatens to explode with all the love he feels for her. “You always will.”

 

X

Louis goes into the studio the next day.

He wishes he could write a song about how much Nick’s hurt him but every memory of Louis falling in love with Nick harder just makes every drop of hurt and anger disappear into nothing.

Louis presses down an ivory key and the sound reverberates around the empty studio and Louis thinks he’s finally found something.

X

Writer in the Dark shoots to the Top 10 of the U.K charts and Louis wakes up with a text from Nick.

It reads; _Heard your new song. Sounds lovely. I hope you’re feeling better. Xx_

Louis presses his face deeper into his pillow and inhales deeply. His chest feels like its loosening and deep inside, Louis feels something akin to serenity bloom inside of him.

He’ll get through it.

X


End file.
